VikingJesus: Who Are You?

 What I probably should have done with this last post is split it into two --- but alas, I wanted to cram a bunch of stuff into the post. HERE IT IS.

Pretty much it boils down to three building points I tried to supply evidence for:

1. The further along we go in history, the more tools we are equipped with in our tool belt to discover truth (little t).
2. But our own life experience (along with history's memory) tends to convince us that we, as individuals, are impotent to seek out truth.
3. So we act out our lives without ever focusing on the major questions of our existence.

At least, my attempt was to make these points clear.

And, I used the film Amadeus as my go-to example. I use that film like an old pair of crutches. I should just be honest with it and confess, "I just can't quit you."
               

Movie Bible Study: Amadeus

Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. Philippians 4:11

About a year ago, I was chatting about the idea of shooting a short horror film with my Slovenian neighbors. We came together to collectively brainstorm the question; what scares people? I posed the question in a more personal context, "What are Slovenians fearful of?" Without blinking, without hesitation, the response came. "Ljubosumje." Jealousy.

It is wise to be afraid of an infiltration of jealousy. It pollutes, and it does so horribly and immeasurably.

Galatians chapter 5 is known for containing what is commonly referred to as 'The Fruit of the Spirit', those qualities which the soul made alive by Christ executes. Right before that moment in Paul's letter to the churches of Galatia, he writes, But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these of which I forewarn you... And here's the rub! ...just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. Galatians 5:16-21

What does Paul mean? Do these specific sins overbear God's mercy? No. No they do not. But they are treacherous sins, for they lead to paths of misery. One is not simply jealous. One becomes consumed with jealousy. It seethes through the individual. One becomes indwelt with its abundance. Then, I ask you, where can the Spirit be, if your heart is already filled with this foreign filth? Jealousy fills us. To the brim. There is no room for God's Spirit where jealousy claims a home.

The letter written by James doesn't make jealousy sound cozy either: But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. James 3:14-16

Remember the first murderer. Remember Cain. What drove him to kill his brother? Jealousy. Even before he committed the deed, God warned him, saying, Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it. Genesis 4:6-7 Jealousy is an old villain. Perhaps the oldest...

Was it not a sting of jealousy that led Satan to commit his will to opposition? He desired to be himself God. He thought himself more worthy than God himself. This is his great undoing.

Hate jealousy! You must. We cannot let it crouch in. We must overcome it. We must rule over that evil.

Remember also that it was through jealousy that Joseph's brothers sought to kill him.

Jealousy is not a dormant sin. It leads to action. Awful action. And the soul reaps its reward.

An explicitly pungent odor of jealousy is on display through the lens of Antonio Salieri, our dreadful protagonist of Amadeus. As he recalls his story through the movie, we are given a valuable insight into the destructive cause and pathway of jealousy.

*Note: Amadeus is much more complex and thrilling than being a mere symposium for discussions on jealousy. In using this film, I am simplifying the film's complex movements and narrative, so that I can better explore jealousy in action.


Let us proceed.

Salieri was a pious man. He prayed prayers to God. He stayed clear of lusts of the flesh. He did what he could to steer towards his own goal. He wanted, above all else, to make glorious music that would in return cause his name to be heard forever. Even here, before there was a creature to envy, Salieri's intentions are slightly warped. To live for gain is foolishness. We must live for Christ alone. In this way we can overcome the attacks of sinful thoughts and ways.

But why! Why would God chose an obscene child to be his instrument? It was not to be believed. This piece had to be an accident; it had to be. It better be.

Mozart comes to town. When at first Salieri sees the man, he is dismayed. Mozart is a fiend of a man -- and yet, his music is divine. Salieri cannot believe it. Jealousy begins in him from this moment.

All I ever wanted was to sing to God. He gave me that longing, and then made me mute. Why? Tell me that. If He didn't want me to praise Him with music, why implant the desire? Like a lust in my body, and then deny me the talent!

Now comes the rationalizing. Salieri convinces himself that he is more worthy of good things than Mozart. What is meant as a gift from God (Mozart's ability to harvest marvelous melodies) is viewed as a form of injustice in the mind of Salieri.

At that moment I knew. He'd had her. The creature had had my darling girl. It was incomprehensible. What was God up to? Was it possible I was being tested? Was God expecting me to offer forgiveness in the face of every offense, no matter how painful? It's very possible. But why him? Why choose Mozart to teach me lessons in humility? My heart was filling up with such hatred for that little man. For the first time in my life I began to know really violent thoughts. Everyday, sometimes for hours I would pray, 'Lord, please, send him away. Back to Salzburg. For his sake, as well as mine.'

The storm in his mind is coming. The envy/jealousy has taken a stern root within Salieri's heart. It won't go silently. Already it is leading him to think pernicious and destructive thoughts. These thoughts will not stay as mere inventions of the mind. They will seek out action.

There is no God of mercy, Father, just a God of torture.

Why how can Salieri say this? How can he come to such a conclusion. Mozart's musical ability is profound, and yet he is a smutty little figure of a character. So what? What does that have to do with Salieri? We as human creatures are prone to compare. And so in comparing, Salieri damns God, because God chooses to give what He desires to Mozart. Remember Jesus' parable of the workers who got paid equal wages. Many workers worked all day, some worked part of the day, and a few worked only an hour, yet they all are paid the same. The workers become furious; When they received it, they grumbled at the landowner, saying, "These last men have worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden and the scorching heat of the day." But he answered and said to one of them, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what is yours and go, but I wish to give to this last man the same as to you. Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with what is my own? Or is your eye envious because I am generous?" Matthew 20:11-14

I prayed as I had never prayed before. 'Dear God, enter me now. Fill me with one piece of true music. One piece with Your breath in it, so I know that You love me. Show me one sign of Your favor, and I will show mine to Mozart. I will get him the royal position. Enter me, please. Please.

How can God enter Him? There is no room in Salieri's soul. Salieri makes the grave error of praying not for healing, not for the removal of his jealousy, not for grace --- rather, he prays for the destruction of one of God's good gifts to the world.

From now on, we are enemies, You and I. Because You choose for Your instrument a boastful, lustful, smutty, infantile boy, and give me for reward only the ability to recognize the incarnation. Because You are unjust, unfair, unkind, I will block you. I swear it. I will hinder and harm Your creature on earth as far as I am able. 

Through the wretched game of comparison, Salieri has made a firmament for himself. He has made a pact, so that he can move forward without intentional hypocrisy. He wants his own way, and the only way to get that is by deciding that God is unjust. An unjust God does not deserve service, but rather, an adversary. Salieri's jealous thoughts have manifested into jealous conclusions. A pact built on envy. So be it. What follows is inevitable from here on out.

Go on. Mock me. Laugh! That was not Mozart laughing, Father, that was God. That was God laughing at me through that, though that obscene giggle. Go on senor, laugh, laugh. Show my mediocrity for all to see. One day I will laugh at you. Before I leave this earth, I will laugh at you.

Salieri, after coming forward against God and Mozart, keeps losing battles. At a party, Mozart mocks Salieri's music. It is true, Salieri is no Mozart. He is not a worthy adversary. He never had a chance. Neither did Satan. Yet, the inequality does not bring Salieri to a place of humility. Rather, his pride is bloated. He begins to connive to erect a plot to undermine Mozart's beauty. He must twist God's gift. Salieri will take something marvelous, and seduce it to something that honors only Salieri. 

I heard the music of true forgiveness filling the theater, conferring on all who sat there perfect absolution. God was singing through this little man. To all the world. Unstoppable. Making my defeat more bitter with every passing bar.

In this remarkable scene, Salieri is privileged to hear Mozart's Marriage of Figaro. He hears the immeasurable beauty of forgiveness, and tastes it as poison. That which is good is now rotten. The world over is ruined for Salieri. He can only take pleasure in dark things now.

And now; the madness began in me. The madness of a man splitting in half... I began to see a way, a terrible way, I could finally pry up over God. 

It never ends. There will be no happiness. There may be victory, but there will be no pleasure in it.

Imagine it. The Cathedral, all vienna sitting there. His coffin, Mozart's little coffin in the middle. And then, in that silence; music. A divine music bursts out over them all; a great mass of death, "Requiem Mass for Wolfgang Mozart, composed by his devouted friend Antonio Salieri. Oh, what sublimity! What Depth! What passion in the music! Salieri has been touched by God at last. And God forced to listen! Powerless to stop it! I for once, in the end, laughing at Him!

Remember: Friend, I am doing you no wrong...

Even after the grumbling and envy, the landowner still called the worker 'Friend'. Turn back Salieri. Why do you seek to crucify that which is good? Take what you have and go! Please.  

The jealous pact of Salieri's heart has now moved into action.

Mozart's last words. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart says to Antonio Salieri on his deathbed: Forgive me.

Remember: And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it. The text goes on, Cain told Abel his brother. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him. Genesis 4:7-8 Cain talked to Abel before he killed him. I wonder, what exactly did he say? For Salieri and Mozart, our wicked protagonist takes a seducing role. He plays the part of best friend. As Mozart is dying, he accompanies the lad, pretending to care for his soul, even though it is Salieri who has in fact murdered Wolfgang. Mozart is played the fool. For Salieri, this final bout is another method of obtaining power and 'justice'. Sin perverts all things, and in this case, Salieri's jealous mind has contorted justice to mean something awful -- to mean the martyrdom of a great artist for the fury of a weaker mind. 

Your merciful God, He destroyed His own beloved rather than let a mediocrity share in the smallest part of His glory. He killed Mozart, and kept me alive to torture! Thirty-two years of torture! Thirty-two years of slowly watching myself become extinct. My music growing fainter; all the time fainter, until no one plays it at all. But his! 

Salieri won. He defeated Mozart. Mozart died broke, unappreciated, and buried in an mass grave. Even in victory, Salieri has found failure. There is no end to jealousy. It goes on and on.

I will speak for you, Father. I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint. Mediocrity is everywhere. I absolve you. I absolve you. I absolve. I absolve you. I absolve you all.

The heartcrushing end of the film brings us a man who now eagerly spreads the gospel of jealousy. Is it not sickening?

Remember: ...just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. In conclusion, let us allow Paul to finish his thought; But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:21-24

The Top 28 Lingering Fragrances of 2010

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. 2 Corinthains 2:14

I remember being told that the olfactory scent is the strongest medium for memory in the brain. My experience strengthens this idea, as certain smells viscerally remove me from my current dwelling and transplant me to some far off place I once knew. Sunlight seeping in the living room as my mother dusts the furniture to the beat of 50's music. A high school girlfriend. An 2nd grade sleepover party with The Mario Bros. movie as the centerpiece of our attention. These memories come back potently when the certain whiff slithers up my nostrils.

All things have a fragrance in the mind. Some beautiful and alluring, others sickening. This list is my effort to make known those experiences with art and being that carried the most potent aromas to my soul in 2010. The list includes anything that I encountered, whether new or old, that stirred me to some mode of passion.

If you find the list excessive, know that it is only so because words fail where passion begins.

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28. Rize documentary film, by David LaChapelle

Many years ago, on the special features on the dvd of Shadow of the Vampire, there was a trailer for a bizarre film called Begotten. The trailer terrified me. The film appeared to be some sort of surreal, incomprehensible creation parable. From this experience I made a hasty conclusion; that which is absurd is not from God. The documentary Rize by David LaChapelle examines the crunking and clowning circles that arose in the late 90's in South Central LA. Crunking appears like some sort of demonic form of dance. It involves contortions of the body that mimic a psychotic episode of horrific seizures. The film, however, explores the roots and function of the dance style. By the end of the film's narrative argument, I am swayed to believe that this dance movement not only can be free of demonism, but could very well be a pleasant worship to our Lord. My context of suburban church life informed me that such radical dancing must be absurd... and so it is that I discover that at times my very cultural lens can keep me from recognizing a holy dance of thankfulness to the God of all cultures.
Inhale the Trailer here!

27. Mariel's Brazen Overture song, by Margot and the Nuclear So and So's

This particular song marries together 4 devices that I find particularly effective and emotive in music:

• A dialogue between man and woman
• A toxic mixture of regret and nostalgia
• An Abrupt tempo change
• An undercurrent of tragedy

 Listen here!

26. Horton Hears a Who! film, by Jimmy Hayward and Steve Martino

I purchased this movie before ever viewing it because it was cheap and boasted a Slovenian audio track as well as both English and Slovenian subtitles. I've watched it many times since that day in an effort to expand my Slovenian knowledge -- whether or not it was an effective tool of language acquisition is anyone's guess. What the li'l Suessian knockoff did do for me was rip out my tender little heart every time that third act comes around. The film features an elephant who can hear the voice of a certain Who who lives on a dandelion world of microscopic Whoville-ians. None of the other animals in the forest can see or hear this miniature universe, so they hastily conclude that Horton the elephant is insane. Naturally, they decide to destroy the dandelion of Whos. At that moment, those instances right before Horton's world of friends is to be executed, an underlining of empathy strikes me in the face. Every damn time. Horton has a kind of faith in the Whos. His faith is being not only put on trial, but executed. Horton is alone in his knowledge and hope, and can't seem to make others understand and believe what he knows. Thus I see a parallel with the life of the zealous Christian. It makes my heart hurt... but it's the good type of hurt.
Breathe in the trailer here!

25. Red Riding Trilogy film series, by Julian Jarrold, James Marsh, Anand Tucker

The world is a shitty place, brimming with ugly people committing the ugliest of deeds. These three movies are an unpleasantry. They are not fun to endure. Evil act follows evil motive. On and on the corruption and vileness continue. Only there, in that moral destitution, can a visceral, all-encompassing moment of grace be appreciated. At the tail end of the trilogy, a scene that surely is no longer than 20 seconds lifts us up past the sewage of our sins, to the very feet of the Mystery who loves us. Those few seconds effortlessly redeem the whole of the film trilogy.

Trailer here!

24. Inception film, by Christopher Nolan

Robert Angier reveals at the end of The Prestige, "The audience knows the truth: the world is simple. It's miserable, solid all the way through." I’ve been a faithful admirer of Christopher Nolan’s filmography for a long length of time now. The man is incapable of making mediocre films. What has been ever so fascinating, is that his characters almost universally tend to flow from a self-willed beliefism towards a final sense of nihilism by the each film’s denouement. What makes Inception special, is that his protagonist starts with this premise of nihilism. From the getgo he assumes the world is solid, but his desires keep him searching for something more… and so we witness a birth of a form of existentialism. Out of this nihilistic premise grows the same quandaries that Shakespeare wrestled with; is life really worth living? Nolan appears to be answering yes, if only the dreams that may come can manifest themselves now.
Trailer here!

23. Ruby Tuesday song, as sung by Franco Battiato

Children of Men is a film of mastery. Set in a world that is rapidly spinning toward its own end, somehow wonder is found. The film is directed with many breathtaking cinematic shots. If the film's cinematic lens represents the film's creative mind, then the cover of The Rolling Stone's Ruby Tuesday is the heart. We tend to believe that innocence is a thing that is lost somewhere amidst children. The world siffens its essence from us, and we become damned to its aroma. Nevertheless, within the confines of the song's anthem lies a delicate hope that innocence can be regained for even the most battle weary among us. Innocence restored and life regained.

Breathe in the song with video montage here!

22. White Dog film, by Samuel Fuller

Animals are a conundrum for me. On the one hand, they innately, to me, represent God's creativity. In observation of them, it is easy for my mind to worship God. Yet on the other hand, animals present a glaring disturbance to my sometimes violent Christian faith. Adam sinned. He fucked up the world over. And yes, we have been separated from God and now are prone towards evil. We sin. Yet animals, those creatures of which Adam was given to name and claim authority over, suffer because of us. They are a potent reflection of our vileness. And yet they themselves are without blame. They have no moral conscious. They are simply receptors of the outpourings of our sinful lusts. White Dog reminds us of the damage done. Death is coming.
Trailer here!


21. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai film, by Jim Jarmusch

Once upon a time I saw within this film something that intrigued me. It seemed to me that Ghost Dog hid within its bosom some sort of great secret that was waiting to be unlocked. I decided to take it upon myself to unveil this covert enigma. Often I ended up playing the film in the background as I worked on other projects, as if hoping to absorb the film's latent meaning through some sort of osmosis. Well, the osmosis didn't take, and I still can't tell you what the film is about... but I can tell you that it means something. What that is, I have no idea. But it's something. Something, alright.

Trailer here!

20. The Blue Mosque building

As the time of advent hurdled towards its summation this December year, I ventured into an active mosque for the first time in my life. I didn't exactly know what to expect, or know how I would respond. I still don't know how I should respond. Can you tell me? Should I feel pity? Mercy? Compassion? Righteous anger? I cannot be devoid of a position on the matter, and yet, I am frozen by my indecisiveness as to how to deal with such an experience. My soul seems quiet on the subject. What do I do with this?

19. The Films of Terrence Malick director

Tree of Life is coming. I don't know anything about Terrence Malick the man. I know much more about Terrence Malick the filmmaker. He is contemplative. He thinks thoughts that others do not. He is compassionate... and he has never made a bad film.  Above all, he appears to be concerned about the state of the individual soul, and the actions that mold it. Few people are.

Watch the trailer for the Malick's upcoming Tree of Life!

18. Burek food

Slovenians inform me that Burek is a Serbian food, but wikipedia tells me it has its origins further south amongst the former Ottoman empire people. Nevertheless, for me, burek represents cheap Slovenian fastfood – and I mean that as a term of endearment. Not only has 2010 been the first full year that I've lived abroad, but it has also been the first time I've lived on my own... and burek can stand as my stoic flag of rugged bachelorhood.


17. The Suburbs album, by Arcade Fire

Our lives are meant, I reckon, to be exciting. God made us with a sense of adventure. We long to discover. We long to play. We long to conquer. Somehow, along the way, we move to the suburbs. We become mechanisms of our society. We spend our time complaining and eating. The Suburbs is a fantastic effort to keep us baroque before we turn roccocco.

Listen to the single We Used to Wait here!

16. Rumi poetry, as translated by Coleman Barks
Often, I want to call certain people my friends. Eight centuries separate Rumi and I. I think that Rumi would say that eight centuries would be nothing for two friends. Rumi was a sufist and not a Christian, supposedly. I hope that maybe he found Christ as an answer before his end came. I hope I can someday meet this man of whom I want to make friends with. I hope.
The following is taken from the poem A Dove in the Eaves:

You push me out on many journeys;

then you anchor me with no motion at all.

I am water. I am the thorn 

that catches someone's clothing.

I don't care about marvelous sights!

I only want to be in your presence.

There's nothing to believe.

Only when I quit believing in myself

did I come into this beauty.

I saw you blade and burned my shield!

I flew on six hundred pairs of wings like Gabriel.

But now that I'm here, what do I need wings for?

Day and night I guarded the pearl of my soul.

Now in this ocean of pearling currents,

I've lost track of which was mine.

There is no way to describe you.

Say the end of this so strongly

that I will ride up over 

my own commotion.

15. The Mind of Charles Williams novelist

Who would C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien care to hang out with? Answer: men like Charles Williams. I've only now finished one of Williams' novels, but it was a doosy. Splendid times, I tells ya. Williams is obsessed with the marriage of the spiritual and the physical. He tells me of things I long to reach.



 14. Frailty film, by Bill Paxton

Slippery slopes are made for sliding. Frailty is a queer little film about a father who is given a list of names from an angel of God. This father is expected to kill the people on the list. The movie might seem foolish, but ask yourself what makes a thing right or a thing wrong. God. Only God. Whatever God deems as good is good. The ninth commandment tells us not to lie, and yet Rahab is blessed for lying and hiding the Israelite spies. God alone dictates what is good; not you or I. Remember Rahab.
Watch the Trailer here!


13. Where the Wild Things Are film, by Spike Jonze

The young boy Max is told in school that someday the sun will die. An hour later in the film, Carol, the 'leader' of the Wild Things, shows much melancholic distress about the sun's demise. All things die. How does a child register that fact? Nothing is forever. Perhaps above all, children long for security, but how is that possible, if even something as big as the sun is going to die? Max says, “I have a sadness shield that keeps out all the sadness, and it’s big enough for all of us.” No one tell Max that shields rust.
Trailer here!



12. Eh Hee music video, by Dave Matthews
This music video seethes anger through the cracks of its jagged teeth. Such fascinating anger... and yet, I find that I can empathize with such frustrations. What does that make me?
WATCH IT NOW!





11. The Angel of Death Came to David's Room song, by Mewithoutyou

The Myers-Briggs psych exam, among other facts, evaluates one's extroversion. How is extroversion/introversion defined? – the answer is interesting to me. It is not simply a matter of whether you like to be around other people or not. No. Extroversion is calculated by the degree to which one draws energy from other people. This song, with its hypnotic critique of the moral life of King David, is a concrete source of energy for me. Press play on that sucker a few consecutive times, and soon I'll be bouncing off the walls.
Listen Here!

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-- A brief word about the top ten -- 

 6 of the 10 top fragrances of 2010 are people. I see this as a direct result of a growth in my relationship with God and understanding of the care into which he formed creation. As mighty as buildings like the Hagia Sophia can be, they are merely aesthetic offerings sculpted in time by men. The infinitely greater thrill is the men themselves. Every individual has more inherent value than all the cathedrals of the world. It is this conviction that must permeate our attitudes towards the rest of creation. That which the Lord made is beautiful beyond our capacity to enjoy it.

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10. Infinite Jest novel, by David Foster Wallace

David Foster Wallace committed suicide. And then there's the title of his novel. I should have seen this coming. I had no right to expect some sort of euphoric ending from Infinite Jest, but I did. I hoped that this story of a movie so entertaining that it kills anyone who watches it (once you start watching you literally are never willing to do anything but keeping watching it – so all cases lead to death), would finish with some divine insight about the state of my reality. No luck. Wallace’s novel is a painful lesson that genius does not necessarily lead to revelation. The will to genius is not the same door that leads to revelation -- this was a paramount lesson for me to learn this past year. Vital, really.

9. LOST television show, by J.J Abrams, Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse

I've had some bad breakups in the past, but nothing like this. LOST left me. And it hurts. I want to go back. I want to make it right. I want to change the way things went. I want to fall in love again. But I can't. What happened, happened.
Click here for a concise recap of the show!

8. Richard McGraw musician

Mr. McGraw is my patron saint of misgivings and irreconcilable desires. Born into a Catholic environment, McGraw's songs are laced with spiritual angst. He asks Jesus to let him sleep with the girl he knows he shouldn't be with (The Things that Devils Bring), he prays for the soul of the doubter (Hopefully), and cries for a grace that he can't yet feel (That Old Song). He is a man both plagued and inspired by his spiritual convictions. He is a relatable guy. Keep singin', brotha.
Check out his myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/richardmcgraw

7. Soren Kierkegaard philosopher

 Ol' Kierks gets an honorable slot on this list for one simple reason: he finds the whole story of Abraham and Isaac as a bit absurd. In fact, I would say that at some point, Kierkegaard was left dumbfounded by the Biblical account. He simply couldn't just leave it as is and say, “Yeah, that makes sense… moving on.” No. He fought to understand. In his Jacob-esque wrestling, Kierkegaard arrives at a decision. He declares that those among us who are most intimate with God may act in such a manner that appears silly to us. They are being truly, madly, and deeply Spirit led. Of course, the argument is far more layered than that, but who cares! Soren resonates. Let such wings flap.
Download a free ebook of Kiekegaard's collected essays: On Faith and the Self Here!

6. Ayran food

Ayran is a crazy milk/yogurt/salt mix. It does not taste good. It tastes bad, in fact. Upon arriving in Istanbul, I was introduced to the bizarre liquid. Upon first taste, I found it instantaneously displeasing. Despite my taste buds cries, I was driven to experiment. Ayran may just be the most popular drink in Turkey. How can this be? It tastes dreadful. Then I remembered being a child, tasting coffee, and being absorbed entire by the conviction that all people who love coffee are crazy. Now I chug coffee everyday. It is pleasing to me now to drink it. Remembering this, I took it upon myself to drink ayran at every opportunity. Everyday. It took nearly two weeks, but just a mere two days before my departure from Istanbul, I came to a place where I can honestly say that the drink is pleasing to me. Ladies and gentlemen, taste is entirely subjective -- Even more substantial, it can be bent to our will! I wonder, what else is subjective?


5. Jon Stewart political comedian 

Comedy is relaxing. Glenn Beck is not. Mr. Beck held a giant-mega-super-awesome rally in Washington D.C. earlier this year. The rallying cry of that mob appeared to be a deep seated conviction by a great legion of Americans that the country is heading towards dark days. Apparently, many people are fearful of the coming night. I'm no optimist when it comes to politics. I see bad things coming down the bend as well, but I ardently reject the methods of retaliation that many of my fellow Christians are promoting against those in power. Anger will not solve the Christian's problems, nor will mere protest. Two sidepoints: (1) corruption in Washington is across the board, not solely a disease among Democrats. (2) The spiritual state of people's souls is infinitely more important than how your tax dollars are being used. Mr. Stewart this October held what appeared to be a rally in reaction to Beck's, entitled Rally to Restore Sanity. He is brandishing tools of compassion, understanding, and common sense as his arsenal to combat rampant political corruption. Who on the political right speaks of such things? I disagree with much of what Stewart believes, but I respect his methods of approach. Mr. Beck merely cries and whispers of vast conspiracies. What's the point in advocating truth if hate gets you there? Come what may. If America dies, it dies. What matter is it? As for me, I will love my neighbor as myself.
Watch Jon Stewart every week on The Daily Show at: http://www.thedailyshow.com/

4. Lars von Trier film director

He started it. After enduring a sick feast of masochistic torture bled in the form of the film Antichrist, Lars Von Trier has the audacity to tribute his film to Andrei Tarkovsky, one of the great fathers of Christian Spiritualism in Film. Lars Von Trier is a stunning force of filmmaking mastery. The man's genius can no longer be denied. He is great. He is great. He is great... and he is wrong. I will continue to see his films as remarkable feats of artistry and passion, but with much power comes much responsibility. I don't believe he cares for his audience, only his intuition blended with conviction. 'To hell with them,' he thinks. I respond, 'Soon enough.'
Be Careful as you watch the Antichrist trailer here! 

3. Ayn Rand philosopher/novelist

Ayn Rand ruined It's a Wonderful Life!. I was just sitting there, minding my own business, relishing the Christmas season enjoying the wit and wisdom of Mr. George Bailey, when she suddenly had to butt her dumb old persuasive philosophy in my face. Old man Potter is set as the evil moneygrubber in that film. Director Frank Capra paints him as only concerned with profit and progress. In an instant, I am caught off guard by my own question. »Why is that so wrong to want to run a successful business? Mr. Potter isn't doing anything illegal. Why is it so wrong to not want to loan money to people who can't pay you back? Isn't that exactly how we got into the whole mortgage crisis in 2008? Thanks for that one, Ayn.


2. Sufjan Stevens musician

The question posed now has a tremendous elevation. The stakes are staggering. Is Sufjan a prophet? Is he a priest? Sufjan Stevens has a tremendous portfolio of musical expression that resonates deeply into the soft spots of my heart. In his latest album he looks no longer at the theme of whole States of the American Union (as he has done thus far with Michigan and Illinois), but at the individual. His album etches an outline of a deeply disturbed artist. Listen deeper, and you can make out the expression of an autobiography as well. Sufjan finds a source of commonality and union with this artist (as he did once upon a time with the serial killer John Wayne Gacy Jr), and merges their singular voice as an anthem of authentic emotion to God. The icing on the cake is finding myself in his lyrics also (as in I Want to be Well). Now the hope remains as this: that Sufjan's voice would not only remain beautiful to me, but be universally seen as a work of tremendous achievement. But ultimately more important, I hope Sufjan takes up his cross and actively acknowledges that he may, with his current arsenal of tools, lead a wandering band of soul-searchers ever closer to the Architect of all souldom.
Click here to read my previous column concerning Sufjan.
Listen to all of Sufjan's new album The Age of Adz here for free!


1. Equus film, directed by Sydney Lumet, written by Peter Shaffer

I am not recommending this film. That would be unwise. I am merely advocating its thoughts. Its convictions.

Alan: Gods don't die.
Dr. Dysart: Oh yes they do.

I will merely state that the viewing of this film in conjunction with the manner and time in which I observed it led to a series of highly influential murmurings in my head. Equus is the story of two people: a tortured young man, and an aging psychologist who uses the young man to find his own torment. Simple enough, eh?

Passion, you see, can be destroyed by a doctor. It cannot be created.

The story runs like this:

• Alan loves horses – until the day he gouges out their eyes.
• Dr. Dysart wants to cure Alan of his abnormalities.
• Alan tells the doctor about his worship of the god Equus.
• Dr. Dysart becomes jealous of Alan's capacity for passion.
• Alan is cured by talking through the events that led to his attack. He becomes normal.
• Dr. Dysart is left with a burning doubt as to whether he did the right thing.

Read my initial thoughts on the film here.

Sigh... I'm such a sucker for doubters.

I need, more desperately than my children need me, a way of seeing in the dark.

Peter Shaffer likes to write stories about people touched by God, and those around them who feel excluded from that ray of light. What I take away with from Equus, unlike from his other masterpiece Amadeus, is that everyone is touched from the divine, but most of us systematically work Him out of our lives. We refuse the divine for the mundane.

Somehow, someway, the watching of Equus set off this little notion in my head that dabbling with insanity might very well be a dandy idea, if it is in pursuit of God, the Divine. This thought leads me to vomit out my Aristotelian lens which speaks of balance as the key ingredient to Godliness. Forget balance. I want communion with God. And I want it all the time. We can't balance God. He is unbalancable.

Dr. Dysart: Moments snap together like magnets forged in a chain of shackles. Why? I can trace them, I can even with time pull them apart again. But why at the start were they ever magnetized at all. Why those particular moments of experience and no others, I do not know! And nor does ANY BODY ELSE! And if "I" don't know, if I can "never" know, what am I doing here? I don't mean clinically doing, or socially doing, but fundamentally. These whys, these questions, are fundamental. Yet they have no place in a consulting room. So then do I? Do any of us?

May we move closer in community with Jesus our Messiah in 2011 than ever before. 

Amen.

 

The 9 Most Influential Films of My Life: #2

Leave me alone.  

I cannot leave alone a soul in pain.
Do you know who I am?

It makes no difference. All men are equal in God's eyes. 

 Are they? ... Are they?

 

Smoldering in its extravagant exoskeleton, under those ridiculous wigs, lies the devil.  The genius of "Amadeus" is that it does an excellent job of pretending to be a period drama, while it really is nothing short of a horror blazed on film.

As I stood there understanding how that bitter old man was still possessing his poor son even from beyond the grave, I began to see a terrible way I could finally triumph over God.

Our protagonist is not the obnoxiously rude Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but the hard working, professional composer, Antonio Salieri.  A moving moment in the first act of the film shows an aged Salieri playing his most famous bits of music to a Priest who is present only to hear the old man's confession.  The Priest doesn't recognize any of Salieri's works.  His music is dying with him.  Soon no one will ever listen to the works of Antonio Salieri.  His efforts at immortality have failed.  And yet, the second he pounds a few chords on the piano of Mozart, the Priest lights up with recognition.

The name Amadeus is the latin form of the Greek Theophilus, which translates to "Beloved of God".  Mozart is Amadeus, Salieri is not.  And so the awful game of jealousy commences.

This film terrifies me because the world it envisions is an utterly tragic kingdom.  I mentioned in my last post (#3 on the countdown) that our world is broken.  Well, that's still true, but the good news is that it is in the process of being redeemed.  Our God is a good and just God.  He will save us who cry out, and perfect our broken souls.  But in "Amadeus" lies the most vile of ideas; an idea whose presence mocks all of creation if it be true.  It is a perilous journey to look down that path, but when we do, we are brought to places that have smashed souls to bits.  What if God is not good?

Lord, make me a great composer. Let me celebrate Your glory through music and be celebrated myself. Make me famous through the world, dear God. Make me immortal. After I die, let people speak my name forever with love for what I wrote. In return, I will give You my chastity, my industry, my deepest humility, every hour of my life, Amen. 

Once I prayed from a dark place.  I waited there, and when the Lord did not come to comfort me, a choice came in my mind.  'God doesn't love me, for if he did, he would comfort his sorrowful child in his suffering.  If He is my Father, then why does He not come to help his helpless child?  So God must either not exist or be against me.'  "Amadeus" continues this reasoning further: 'God is against me, so I will be against God.'

[addressing a crucifix]
Salieri: From now on we are enemies, You and I. Because You choose for Your instrument a boastful, lustful, smutty, infantile boy and give me for reward only the ability to recognize the incarnation. Because You are unjust, unfair, unkind, I will block You, I swear it. I will hinder and harm Your creature on earth as far as I am able.  

Ever quickly the stakes are raised.  Before the film concludes we are forced to watch, through breathtakingly beautiful music, the near ascension of a man to god.  Salieri becomes the greatest of all  adversaries: the devil incarnate, set to destroy God's work.

 Imagine it, the cathedral, all Vienna sitting there, his coffin, Mozart's little coffin in the middle, and then, in that silence, music! A divine music bursts out over them all. A great mass of death! Requiem mass for Wolfgang Mozart, composed by his devoted friend, Antonio Salieri! Oh what sublimity, what depth, what passion in the music! Salieri has been touched by God at last. And God is forced to listen! Powerless, powerless to stop it! I, for once in the end, laughing at him!

Living through "Amadeus" can be a fire walk.  Be careful how close you get to those flames.  As for me, I've peered into those depths.  My hairs have been burnt by that flame.  I am wiser for it. 

God is alive, and He knows us.  So why not wrestle with Him?  Ask yourself those horrifically difficult questions.  I, like Salieri, often feel like a mediocrity.  I too can be that patron saint.  I am smart, but not brilliant.  My reflection is fair, but not beautiful.  I am verbose, but my words are not elegant.  I am quirky, but not wholly unique.  I analyze my own plans night and day, but am inconsiderate to the dreams of others.  My sense of humor isn't as awesome as I want it to be.  My hairline is receding.  My mind is forgetful of pretty much everything.  I love, but am not loved in return.  I am loved, but I do not love in return.  Why is it this way?  Of all the worlds He could have created, why did God create this one?

The horror of "Amadeus" is perfect in its despair.  Sinners, I urge you, let us ask the dark questions of God, while remembering that He is God, and we are not.  
 

All I wanted was to sing to God. He gave me that longing... and then made me mute. Why? Tell me that. If He didn't want me to praise him with music, why implant the desire? Like a lust in my body! And then deny me the talent?