Worry not: the Summation of all things is at the bottom of the page. Go there now and save yourself the time. Go.
O Brother, Where Art Thou? Okay, so it turns out the Sirens didn't turn Pete into a horny toad. I'm glad about that... but what about the Sirens themselves? Were they just three women out doing there laundry, looking for three wandering fellows to seduce while singing, "You and me and the Devil makes three..."? That seems a bit strange, no? And why is that one lady carrying around a big ol' jug of what I assume is some form of liquor? In the middle of the day? Is that how people act when there's a depression on? Strange.
2012. Dude, if you want worldwide havoc, just read the last half of the book of Judges. That shit is crazy -- even though everyone did what they thought was good. The last sentence of Judges, In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes. Judges 21:25
Falling Down. We open on a man stuck in traffic on a hot Los Angeles morning. The world is mean and angry. He alone seems to understand this fact. With this realization in mind, he acts as any man should in such circumstances; he boils down his quest to one thing: he must get home to his child. This is could be a very stereotypical beginning to a hero's journey, but this corky of a film had me from its very first frame, for we are not watching the hero's journey, but the villain's. This our protagonist's last revelation. "I'm the bad guy?" He asks incredulously. How many of us will come to realize the same thing on judgment day?
Silent Light. This Mexican film (though filmed within a Mennonite community that speak a weird hybrid of German/Spanish, I think) ended up as the favorite film of several of my more filmish friends a few years back. I think it's about forgiveness. Or salvation. Or guilt. Come to think of it, I'm not too sure. The method of filmmaking was a series of very long shots. Generally speaking, this is a pleasing format for me, as it allows characters the space to roam about and act human. Such styles can also be characterized and critiqued for being slowwww. Again, this doesn't bother me. That being said, what did bother me in this particular experience, is that the characters underacted. Incredible things happen, and yet people barely move. This was hard to believe, wherein if I were sitting amongst their numbers I'd be banging my drum hollerin' through the countryside making as much noise as possible due to the sights I'd had seen. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. The fact that these people did not created a dissonance between me and them.
Thor. The trailer just came out. I know nothing about this franchise comic book story, but I am already frustrated by it. I don't mind that Thor is an exiled extra-terrestrial. No, it's his weapon of choice that annoys me. He has this giant hammer thing. Let me be clear, as Old Boy taught us, the hammer is indeed a badass piece of armament. However, did you see Thor's hammer? It's so short. I keep looking at it thinking to myself, 'It would be so much more effective if the handle was a good foot longer. You can't get any leverage out of that thing!' Also, apparently Natalie Portman is the heroine in the flick -- see the proceeding paragraph for why that's troublesome.
Black Swan. I have yet to see this film. I do not believe I will see it. I believe I shouldn't see it. This is a point of discouragement for me, as it is being lauded as a potential frontrunner in the Oscar race this year. My friends are singing its praises. I have seen and intimately appreciated every single previous film by the director Darren Aronofsky. The film contains erotic lesbian behavior. Those images will stay with me if I let them in. Images can kill. They will leak into my thought life. And there, in that place, that's where my soul lies! Such thoughts lead to obsessions. And an obsession is a god. I will be burned by such a fire as that. A venomous, sinful fire.
Pi. Darren Aronofsky's first film was about a guy who discovers God's true name. This code was like some sort of bite from the tree of knowledge, for it gave this little man the capacity to know all sorts of bits of data. In the end he can't handle such greatness. He can't handle it. He can't deal. He can't... Good times!
White Christmas. This is my parents' traditional Christmas viewing. I reckon it is good for everyone to have such a tradition. But I don't much care for White Christmas. Bing Crosby - eh. I don't trust the man.
It's a Wonderful Life. This is a superior choice, and a common one at that, for the annual Christmas viewing. But it's so emotionally exhausting. We get, what, 2 hours of poor ol' George Bailey just getting the snot stolen out from underneath him, until we finally have that cathartic, maybe 5 minute happy ending. That's a lot of turmoil for such a quick resolution. Plus, I reckon an annual Christmas film should have more to do with Jesus than just a hapless, wingless angel.
The Black Stallion. Now there's a flick I could watch every year. It's a bit tropic for wintertime, but hang with me. Animals. The Stallion. Animals have that same sense of innocence about them that we equate with babies. So it is easy to transfer the innocence of the Black Stallion to Baby Jesus, yes? Sound like a plan? Plus, animals are far more intriguing to watch on screen than babies. Babies just kinda sit there most of the time. Granted, most animals don't do a whole lot more than sit and graze either, but they do it with a bit more style than babies. Camels got it going on. Monkeys too. And Ant-eaters... crazy lookin' piece of creation right there, I tell ya.
Summation of Terror! (and other hyperboles):
- O Brother, Where Art Thou? - Where can I find one of these Sirens?
- 2012 - Been there done that... in like 1500BC
- Falling Down - One badass descent!
- Silent Light - Emote dagnamit, emote!
- Thor - For Pete's sake, get a longer handle!
- Black Swan - Sigh (sad)...
- Pi - Sigh (happy)...
- White Christmas - Never trust the Bing.
- It's a Wonderful Life - Too much work.
- The Black Stallion - A Christmas Classic?