Sunday, October 6, 2013

My 7 Step Hard-Decision Making Process

So, you have to make a hard decision that may cause the course of your life to spin wildly towards new unforeseen heights and/or valleys. Neat! Now, the only thing to do is to step out and actually make that personal life decision... only problem is... decisions are hard, and some valleys really suck. Therefore, one must gauge one's steps carefully before proceeding. I heartily recommend the following plan of attack:
STEP 1:
Read James Joyce's classic "Ulysses"

First, you need motivation. You need epicness! AND, you need the mind of a genius. You know you yourself are not yet genius calibre, so your best bet is to read the outpouring genius of a bonafide genius-fella. If you're like me, you met a statue of Mr. Joyce not only in Trieste, Italy, but one in Pula, Croatia as well. You figure that if Joyce, an Irishman, is lauded enough to get a a my-sized-barbie version of himself bronzed in two non-Ireland, non-english speaking countries, he must be worth his mug of Guinness.

So you read "Ulysses"... well, you start to read it, and then skim through most of the chapters while heavily relying on the cliffnotes summaries of each chapter to sip the wisdom out of the literature-ic slogfest. 

You awake ravaged by words that seem to carry infinite meanings beyond your comprehension, pulverized by a seizing sense of self-loathing for being too thick witted to fathom genius when it's sitting in your miserable lap. You sob for the overcomplicatedness of life and yearn for either Joyceian genius or Homerian ignorance (Simpson, not the Greek) to relinquish you from the snares of mediocrity. You pray for some simpler way to reach nirvanic decision making bliss. 

STEP 2:
Delve into the word of comic books

You grow strong in your ignorance. You crucify the smarter demons of Joyce's yore, and cast your nets on narrative tales for the modern working man. That's right, you've now convinced yourself that genius is actually no help at all in evaluating life. "Geniuses, shmeniuses," you say. The working man's cure in the modern age is comic books. Simple morality tales, that's the ticket!

Quickly you descend into the endless void of narrative art. You realize that there's a whole lot to this realm, and it ain't all that simple after all. Nevertheless, you read. And look. And read. And look. 

Your conclusions are two-pronged:
a) Early comic books (like 1939 Superman) are boring. 
There's just no way around it. It's a bore. Bore. Bore. Bore. War. 

b) The best comics are the newer, skeezier "graphic novels" likes of which include only anti-heroes and complex, freudian villains. This is fascinating but ultimately unrewarding as you feel more gray inside your gray heart with every passing gray panel. Gray.

STEP 3:
You find a home in Astro City
You know what you're looking for now; a not boring (waring) comic that scintillates and provokes you towards moral decision-making expertise. You want to know how Batman chooses to prioritize his daily affairs, not how he manages to torture a mobster without killing him. And then, glory be to God, you find your El Dorado in the form of Astro City.

The first issue of Astro City says it all. The daily grind of a nearly invincible hero leaves him horribly tired. Tiredness. Astro City deals with the minutiae of life in a fun superhero system. Hooray! Beers all around!

In fact, Astro City is sooo good that you tell yourself you will only read it in real life; none of this online nonsense. You need to feel the pages beneath your dirt stained fingertips! But, that means you have to buy volumes of this stuff... and you live in a land that is not America. This makes things difficult. 

Your checkbook doesn't let you get past the first volume. 

STEP 4:
Go with the Peace flow
1st Corinthians 14:33 says, "God is not a God of disorder, but of peace..." Therefore, clearly, the answer is simple: make the decision that God grants you peace about. 

It's so easy...

STEP 5:
Peace in every situation

But wait, Paul says in Philippians 4:12, "... I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." 

We who have the Holy Spirit with us should be at peace in every situation... and therefore every and any decision. SooooOOOooooOOoo, it shouldn't matter what decision you make, you should be at peace. 

And come to think of it, you're not sure you have peace about either decision! Aaaghhh! What does that mean!??!! Oh, wretch that you are!

STEP 6:
Just make a decision, stupid
Okay, okay, now let's just settle down now. This isn't a moral decision, just a life changing thingamabobber. Nothing serious. So just make a decision. Flip a coin. Pull straws. Whatever. It's just a thing. You gotta make decisions in life and strive forward in faith in that decision. Right. Right? That's what you're supposed to do. Just do all the things! 

Come on! Make a decision! Makeadecision, makeadecision, makeadecision, makeadecisionmakeadecisionmakeadicision, make a cake!

Yes, good decision! Make a cake! Go for the gold! Eat away your anxiety! 

Continue to step seven after you've consumed all possible cakes.

STEP 7: 
Blog about it, hoping that by the time you reach step 7, you'll have magically made a decision. 


Umm... rinse and repeat?



3 comments:

  1. It's genius, my love.
    Though, I'd like to point out.... we both wrote about cake tonight. The answer is clearly cake.

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